It’s Thursday, everyone. Time to leave our insecurities at the door and really get down to the nitty, gritty of past bad decisions.
This is a painful process. We recognize this. It is not supposed to be comfortable. If it was, everyday would be a throwback day. But it’s not. Because our souls can only handle one day of intense, agonizing soul searching a week.
People, this is serious. #SparkleNightmare was one thing, but today’s exploration goes even deeper than even that shiny purse night terror. Because this disaster of fashion past happened on our faces.
That’s right. Sorry y’all, but today is middle school make-up madness.
We have all seen that delightful picture floating around the Internet that compares today’s middle schoolers to the middle schoolers of days past.
While everything about this picture is true (I legitimately believe that I owned that stripped sweater, second from the left), this is just our generation being super bitter.
Congratulations to the pre-teens of today for looking more like humans than we ever did. I know people are upset that 13-year-olds can now do a better high ponytail than any of us, but let’s not be angsty.
Instead, let’s grow as people and examine how far we have come and why we set today’s teens up for success by being so unimaginably terrible at putting ourselves together.
In case you have (rightly) blocked it from your memory, let me remind you what your make-up routine consisted of when you were in the seventh – tenth grade:
- Foundation that was two shades too dark or too light. Either way, it definitely did not match your natural skin tone.
- Hair that was crimped just in a two-inch strand right in front of your forehead (thanks, Lizzie McGuire).
- Blue eyeshadow. Always the blue eyeshadow.
- Bumpy eyeliner, but only on the bottom of your eyes.
- Sparkly, sticky lip glass that made parting your lips to speak like a human person an actual nightmare.
What was wrong with it?
Well, maybe it could have worked if — NO! It was a baby hooker disaster. Nothing was okay about this and the only reason we all had shadows of social lives (which consisted of using the landline to talk to friends about what they were doing because we couldn’t Insta or Snap or anything) was because all of our friends looked equally as terrible. We were all in this together and nothing bonds a group faster than an across the board misunderstanding of how to properly apply mascara.
Why did we love it?
Because we adults of the seventh grade with our sparkly purses and our mascara and our boy issues, we were little Junior Plastics. We walked with attitude and needed the $1.59 eyeshadow to match. Did it matter that our hair was fuzzy and our speech lispy due to the braces? No. Did it matter that our limbs moved as though disconnected from our body? No. We killed it anyways. With unfounded confidence.
Why did we allow this to happen? Why did we think this was okay?
It was the sass’s fault. All of that sass went straight to our drugstore highlighted hair and made us think we had enough influence and grace to make blue eyeshadow a beautiful thing. Oh how very wrong we were.
*I recognize that I am focusing heavily on the blue eyeshadow when there were many other middle school make-up crimes. This is the one that scared me personally. What was your “blue eyeshadow”?*
How can we ensure that history doesn’t repeat itself?
Umm … how about we put on make-up like we are people with self-respect? Let us go from there and hope for the best.
Written by Shelby Dorsey, email@example.com